Like most people, probably, I have several pet
subjects that I love to talk about -- subjects that are sometimes
interesting to other people, and sometimes not. Don't get me started on
happiness, or the screening procedures in airports, or children's literature, or Winston Churchill, unless you really want to talk about it.
I made a list of indicators that I might be boring someone. Just
because a person isn't actually walking away or changing the subject
doesn't mean that that person is genuinely engaged in a conversation.
One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better
that he or she is at hiding boredom.
Here are the factors I watch, when trying to figure out if I'm
connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific -– I'm sure
someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my
observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I'm bored and trying
to hide it):
1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who
says, "Oh really? Oh really? That's interesting. Oh really?" is probably
not too engaged. Or a person who keeps saying, "That's hilarious."
2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple
questions. "When did you move?" "Where did you go?" People who are
interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere
politeness.
3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude,
interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is
bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similarly ...
4. Request for clarification. A person who is
sincerely interested in what you're saying will need you to elaborate or
to explain. "What does that term mean?" "When exactly did that happen?"
"Back up and tell me what happened first" are the kinds of questions
that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you're saying.
5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many
people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking
in a conversation because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it's
true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by
the listener; that's a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general,
though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say
themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and
experiences. If they aren't doing that, they probably just want the
conversation to end faster.
6. Body position. People with a good connection
generally turn fully to face each other. A person who is partially
turned away isn't fully embracing the conversation. I pay special
attention to body position
when I'm in a meeting and trying to show (or feign) interest: I sit
forward in my chair, instead of lounging back, and keep my attention
obviously focused on whoever is speaking, instead of looking down at
papers, gazing into space, or checking my phone.
Along the same lines, if you're a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you're saying:
7. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper in 1885 called "The Measurement of Fidget." He determined that people slouch and lean when bored,
so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far
from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less;
bored people fidget more. An audience that's upright and still is interested, while an audience that's horizontal and squirmy is bored.
I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld's observation, "We are
always bored by those whom we bore." Perhaps unfortunately, I don't
believe it's always true, but it's often true: If I'm bored, there's a
good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different
subject.
Have you figured out any ways to tell if you're boring someone?
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